jokeofthedaytv.com

compliments at the bar

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 08:00:00 -0700

compliments at the bar

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A businessman walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, "Nice tie!"

Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty, except the bartender who was all the way at the other end of the bar.

The man shrugged and was about to take a sip of his beer when the same voice said, "Nice haircut!"

The man called the bartender over. "I could be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things to me, but there's no one in here but us."

"Oh, it's the peanuts," the bartender said, pointing to a bowl of peanuts sitting on the bar.

"What?" the man asked. "The peanuts?"

"Yeah," the bartender said. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

Billy’s perfect cupcakes

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 08:00:00 -0700

Billy's perfect cupcakes

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A woman was visiting her sister and brother-in-law for dinner and saw that her young nephew, Billy, was helping bake some cupcakes. When the cupcakes were done, Billy - with great concentration - spread icing on each one.

The woman, impressed by her nephew's focus, praised him enthusiastically. "Good job, Billy! she said, smiling at him.

"Thanks, Aunt Emily," he answered, sounding congested and starting to sniffle.

The woman helped her sister set the table, while Billy finished icing the cupcakes. Very carefully, he set them next to each other on plate in a circular pattern.

"Nice job, Billy!" the woman said, looking down at the plate.

Sniffling and sounding even more congested, he said, "Thanks, Aunt Emily."

After dinner, the woman ate a cupcake, raving to Billy how delicious they tasted. She reached for a second one and, after taking a big bite, looked down at her nephew proudly and asked, "How did you get the icing to look so perfectly?"

Billy shrugged, sniffling some more. "It was easy," he said. "I licked them."

help wanted

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 08:00:00 -0700

help wanted

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A local business needed to hire a new employee. The manager put a sign in the window that said: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be proficient in Microsoft Excel, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

Later that day, a dog was walking past the window, saw the sign, and went inside. He looked at the receptionist to get her attention, then walked over to the sign, looking at the sign and wagging his tail. The receptionist nodded and went to get the manager.

When the manager came out of his office, he told the dog they were looking to hire a human… but the dog didn't budge.

"Okay," the manager said, "Come on into my office."

In the office, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager.

"Listen," the manager said, feeling a little silly for talking to a dog, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, trotted over to the computer, typed out a perfect letter, and went back to his chair.

The manager looked at the computer screen and was impressed. "Still," he said to the dog, "I can't hire you. Like the sign said, you have to be proficient in Microsoft Excel because of all the work we do with spreadsheets."

The dog jumped down again, went back over to the computer, opened an Excel document, and typed in several entries.

"Well, clearly you're very intelligent," the manager said. "But I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to over to the help wanted sign, tapping his paw on the phrase "Equal Opportunity Employer."

"Okay," the manager said, "But you can see that the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked the manager in the eye and said, "Meow."

a woman and a baby on a bus

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 08:41:41 -0700

a woman and a baby on a bus

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A woman boarded a city bus, proudly holding her newborn baby. The bus driver peeked in at the baby's face and said, "I have to say that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

Completely offended, the woman slammed her money into the fare box and took a seat near the rear of the bus.

The man sitting next to her could tell she was upset and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she said, frowning.

"Hmmm," the man said. "Given that he's a public servant, he really shouldn't insult passengers."

The woman looked at the man and said, "You're right. I'm gonna go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"Good for you!" the man said, smiling. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

a stranger asks for help

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 08:00:00 -0700

a stranger asks for help

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A husband and wife were fast asleep in their suburban home when, in the middle of the night, he heard a knock at the front door.

The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" she sleepily replied.

Deciding that he'd been dreaming, the man rolled back over and quickly fell back to sleep. All of a sudden, there was another knock at the door… louder, this time, and more insistent.

The man's eyes flew open and, looking over, he saw that his wife was now awake, too.

"I'll go see who it is," the man said, angrily grumbling to himself as he got out of bed.

Opening the front door, he saw a stranger standing on the front porch.

"Sorry to bother you," the stranger said. "Can you give me a push?"

"No!" the man answered. "It's three in the morning! I was sleeping!" And he shut the door on the stranger.

When he got back into bed, he told his wife what happened.

"Oh, honey," she said, "Remember that night when we broke down in the pouring rain on the way home from my parents' house and you had to go up to that house and get the man inside to help us? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

The husband nodded in agreement, got out of bed again, and quickly pulled on a sweatshirt and shoes. He opened the front door and - unable to see anything in the darkness - yelled out, "Hey! Do you still need a push?"

A voice from the darkness said, "Yes, please, I do."

Stull unable to see the stranger, the man shouted, "Where are you?"

"Here," the stranger said. "I'm over here on the swings."

a dog goes to the movies

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 08:00:00 -0700

a dog goes to the movies

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A woman entered a movie theater and, after carefully choosing an aisle seat about halfway toward the front, she looked over to her right and was surprised to see a man sitting a few seats down with a large dog on the seat next to him.

From time to time throughout the movie, the woman glanced over and saw that the dog was watching the movie very intently. The dog even appeared to understand what was going on, growling when the villain appeared and yelping happily at the funny moments.

When the lights came up at the end of the movie, the woman leaned toward the man and said, “I’ve been watching your dog and, I have to say, I just can’t believe how much he enjoyed the movie.”

“I know, it surprises me, too,” the man answered. “He absolutely hated the book.”

the cannibal’s indigestion

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 08:00:00 -0700

the cannibal's indigestion

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A cannibal hadn't been feeling well and went to the witch doctor.

"For about a month now," the cannibal said to the witch doctor, "I've had the most terrible heartburn."

"What have you been eating?" the witch doctor asked.

"A lot of missionaries," the cannibal said, shrugging. "You know the ones with the brown, hooded robes and the bald heads."

"And how do you cook them?" the witch doctor asked.

"I boil them in a big iron pot," the cannibal answered.

"Well, there's your problem," the witch doctor said. "Those aren't boilers, they're friars!"

Julia’s plastic surgery

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Wed, 11 Apr 2007 08:00:00 -0700

Julia's plastic surgery

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A woman named Julia from Beverly Hills had a heart attack while out shopping one day. She was rushed to the hospital where, on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.

God appeared to her and, since Julia was worried about what that meant, she asked, "Is this it? Is my life over?"

"No, my child," God said. "You have another thirty to forty years to live."

While recovering from her operation, Julia thought about the decades ahead of her and decided to get plastic surgery, so she'd look youthful as she aged. As soon as her doctors gave her the go-ahead, Julia had a face lift, cheek implants, liposuction, collagen shots in her lips, and - after she was well enough - she rushed out to the beauty salon to get a brand new hairstyle and hair color.

Walking out of the salon, she was hit by a speeding car and died. When she arrived in front of God, she said, "I don't understand… I thought you said I had another thirty to forty years."

"Oh, Julia!" God said, gasping. "I didn't recognize you…"

the injured snail

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 08:00:00 -0700

the injured snail

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A snail was crossing a road, when he was run over by a turtle and severely injured.

When the snail woke up in the emergency room, the doctor asked him what happened.

"I really can't remember," the snail said, rubbing his aching head. "It all happened so fast…"

a manager gets his wish

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Mon, 9 Apr 2007 08:00:00 -0700

a manager gets his wish

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Two loan officers at a bank were going to lunch with the bank manager when one of the loan officers noticed an old brass lamp on the lawn outside the restaurant.

He bent over, picked it up, and started to wipe it off when - poof! - out popped a genie.

"Oh, thank you," the genie said. "I have been living inside that lamp for a very long time and am thrilled to be released! To thank you, I can grant you three wishes and - since there are three of

presents for teacher

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Fri, 6 Apr 2007 08:00:00 -0700

presents for teacher

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It was the kindergarten teacher's birthday and her students were giving her gifts they had brought her.

"That one's from me!" one little boy said, whose father was a florist.

The teacher took the tissue paper-wrapped item, held it over her head, shook it, and said, "I'll bet I know what it is… flowers!"

"You're right," the little boy said proudly.

The next student was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held the rectangular box overhead, shook it, and said, "I'll bet I know what this is… a box of candy!"

"Yes! It's candy!" the little girl replied.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the brown paper bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy said, shaking his head. The teacher held the bag up high and shook it again, catching another drop on her fingertip and tasting it. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. "All right, I give up," the teacher said. "What is it?"

The boy smiled and said excitedly, "It's a puppy!"

funeral wishes

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Thu, 5 Apr 2007 08:00:00 -0700

funeral wishes

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Three friends died in an unfortunate accident and were attending an orientation session in heaven.

The orientation leader asked them, "When you're lying in your casket at your funeral, what would you like to hear your friends and family say about you?"

The three friends thought for a moment. Finally, one said, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man."

The second one spoke up. "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband… and that my work as a school teacher made a big difference in children's lives."

The orientation leader nodded and looked over to the third friend.

"Me?" he asked. "I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

the boastful chess players

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Wed, 4 Apr 2007 08:00:00 -0700

the boastful chess players

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Some chess players were standing in the lobby of a hotel, talking to each other. One chess player mentioned a victory he recently had, then another talked about a tournament he won, and another then told a story of winning his most difficult chess game ever.

After about an hour, the hotel manager came from around the front desk and asked them to leave the lobby.

"Why?" one of them asked. "Why can't we stay here?"

"Because," the manager said. "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

sunbathing on the roof

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Tue, 3 Apr 2007 08:00:00 -0700

sunbathing on the roof

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Melissa had been looking forward to her vacation in Florida for a long time. She had dreamed about lying in the sun for days on end, just relaxing quietly.

When she got to her hotel, she saw that the pool area was very crowded, with many more guests and much more noise than she'd anticipated. Melissa was thrilled when she found a back stairwell that led up to the hotel's roof, where she was able to sunbathe completely alone.

The first day, she wore her bikini, but when she got up on the roof the second day, she thought about taking the top off to avoid getting tan lines.

"I'm all alone up here," she thought to herself, slipping off her top. "Plus, I'm lying on my stomach, so it should be okay."

Not even a minute went by when Melissa heard someone running up the stairs. The hotel manager burst onto the roof and said, "Excuse me, miss… the hotel doesn't mind that you're sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing your bathing suit, as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Melissa asked. "No one can see me up here."

"Well, not exactly," the hotel manager said uncomfortably. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

skipping class

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Mon, 2 Apr 2007 08:00:00 -0700

skipping class

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On a sunny spring day, four high school seniors who were driving to school together decided to skip their morning classes. They attended a small school and knew that their absence would be noticed… but decided to go ahead and skip their classes, anyway.

During lunchtime, they returned to school, telling their teacher a long-winded story about getting a flat tire… and about how the spare wasn't usable… and how they had to call for a tow truck. One of the teenage boys would tell part of the story, then another would chime in, and another would interrupt, repeating how difficult their morning had been.

Much to their relief, their teacher nodded sympathetically.

"I can see how hard that must have been," she said. "But now that you're back, I'd like you to use what's left of the lunch period to take a quiz you missed this morning. Go ahead and take seats in different parts of the classroom and get out your pens and a sheet of paper."

The boys shot each other a look, smirking a little with having gotten away with their lie.

"Here's the first question," the teacher said, smiling. "Which tire was flat?"

baseball in heaven

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 08:45:27 -0700

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Bill and Sal are two old friends who are complete baseball fanatics. They live and breathe baseball, they played it as kids and well into their adulthood, and they attend dozens of games each year.

One day, watching a game, they discuss that they're getting older. Bill says to Sal, "If you die before I do, will you let me know if they play baseball in heaven? I'll do the same for you if I die before you do."

Sal agrees. And, just a week later, Sal dies in his sleep.

Bill comes home from the funeral and - feeling sad and tired - lays down for a nap, drifting in and out of sleep. Suddenly, he hears a familiar voice saying, "Bill! Bill!"

Bill looks around and doesn't see anyone. Tentatively, he says out loud, "Is that you, Sal?"

"Yes, it's me," Sal's voice answers.

"So, tell me, Sal," Bill says. "Do they play baseball in heaven?"

"Well, Bill, I've got good news and bad news," Sal replies. "Which do you want to hear first?"

"The good news first," Bill says.

"The good news is they do play baseball in heaven," Sal says. "The bad news is - tomorrow evening - you're the starting pitcher."

the benefits package

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 08:45:27 -0700

the benefits package

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A young engineer - fresh out of college - was just finishing up a job interview with a large engineering firm when the Human Resources Director asked him what starting salary he was looking for.

"Somewhere around 125-thousand dollars a year," the young man said, "Depending on the benefits package."

The HR Director nodded and said, "Well, what would you say to a benefits package of six weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund matched by the company, and a company car - a new one, say, every two years?"

"Wow!" the engineer answered, smiling. "Are you kidding?"

"Well, yes," the HR Director said. "But you started it."

the piano-playing rat

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 08:45:27 -0700

the piano-playing rat

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender thinks about it and says, "Okay."

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finishes his drink, he asks the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his drink, a stranger comes up to him and offers him 100-thousand dollars for the bullfrog.

"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to 250-thousand dollars, cash, upfront. "No," the man says, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to 500-thousand… cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender says. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere five-hundred thousand!"

"Don't worry about it," the man answers. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat is a ventriloquist."

mix-up at the flower shop

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Tue, 27 Mar 2007 08:45:27 -0700

mix-up at the flower shop

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A restaurant that had been very successful was moving to a new, bigger location. One of the restaurant owner's friends decided to send a big bouquet of flowers for the happy occasion.

On the day of the restaurant's grand opening, a big bouquet of flowers arrived, but the owner was puzzled by the card that came with it. It said: "Rest in peace."

The restaurant owner called his friend and told him about the card. The friend was so angry he actually went to the flower shop to complain about the mistake.

The clerk at the flower shop apologized and said, "Sir, if it's any consolation, there's a funeral taking place on the other side of town, and the card that came with their flowers says, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

the farmer and the bug

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 08:45:27 -0700

the farmer and the bug

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A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started buzzing around his head. The farmer swatted at it… missed it… and kept on milking his cow.

Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. Apparently, it went in one ear and out the udder.

the dapper gentleman

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 08:45:27 -0700

the dapper gentleman

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A 94-year-old man walks into a cocktail lounge. He's taken good care of himself over the years and is a handsome gentleman, dressed in an expensive suit and smelling slightly of after-shave lotion.

At the bar is an elderly woman - also well-dressed and attractive - sitting alone.

The dapper gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, and orders a drink. When the drink arrives, he takes a sip, turns to the woman, and says, "So, tell me… do I come here often?"

three wishes, with a catch

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 08:45:27 -0700

three wishes, with a catch

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A man was walking along the beach one day when he looked down and saw an odd-shaped bottle. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," the genie said. "But there is a catch."

"What's the catch?" the man asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."

The man frowned. He was very unhappy with lawyers, since he'd had several bad experiences with them - most recently, concerning his divorce settlement.

The man thought about it, finally looking over at the genie. "All right, whatever," he said, shrugging. "I agree to that."

"What is your first wish?" the genie asked.

"Well, I've always wanted a red Lamborghini."

Poof! A red Lamborghini appeared in front of the man.

"Now every lawyer in the world has two Lamborghinis," the genie said. "What is your next wish?"

"I want a million dollars!" the man replied enthusiastically.

Poof! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now every lawyer in the world has two million dollars," the genie said. "What is your third and final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney…"

Natchitoches, Louisiana

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 08:45:27 -0700

Natchitoches, Louisiana

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Two friends were on a road trip through Louisiana. As they approached the town of Natchitoches, they started talking about how to pronounce the town's name.

"I know it's weird," the first guy said. "It's this big, long word, but it really is nak-i-tosh."

"That doesn't make any sense," his friend said, pointing to the city's welcome sign. "It's spelled N-A-T-C-H-I-T-O-C-H-E-S… it's gotta be something like natch-i-toe-cheese."

They argued back and forth, stopping their argument only long enough to decide where to stop for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the first guy asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... but say it very slowly?"

The girl looked at one guy and then the other and said, "Burrrr… gerrrr… Kiiing."

the perfect woman

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 08:45:27 -0700

the perfect woman

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A young man stopped at a restaurant to have a late dinner after a long day at the office.

He couldn't help but notice a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table, just a few feet away.

He was trying to figure out how to start a conversation with her when, suddenly, she sneezed, causing her glass eye to come flying out of its socket toward the young man.

Instinctively, he caught it and gingerly handed it back to her.

"I'm so sorry," the woman said, clearly embarrassed. She popped her eye back into its socket and said, "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

He moved over to her table and they had a great dinner together - laughing and talking - and, after she paid the check, she asked if he'd like to come to her apartment for a glass of wine.

He did, and ended up staying there all night. The next morning, she cooked him a wonderful breakfast.

The young man was amazed, thinking this woman is beautiful, she's fun to be with, and she's a great cook. "You know," he said, "you're the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"Oh, no," she said. "You just happened to catch my eye."

SUV full of penguins

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Mon, 19 Mar 2007 08:00:00 -0700

SUV full of penguins

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A state patrol officer was parked alongside a highway, looking for speeders.

All of a sudden, an SUV full of penguins passed him. There were penguins sticking out of the windows, penguins coming out of the sunroof, penguins riding in the back cargo area…

The officer pulled over the SUV and spoke sternly to the man behind the wheel. "Listen, unless you want to get arrested, you'd better take all these penguins straight to the zoo."

The man promised he would and drove off.

The next day, the officer was stationed in the same place on the same highway when the SUV full of penguins passed him again… only this time, the penguins were all wearing sunglasses.

The officer pulled the vehicle over and said to the man, "I thought I told you to take all these penguins to the zoo!"

"I did," the man said, indignantly. "And today I'm taking them to the beach!"

a grasshopper visits a bar

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Fri, 16 Mar 2007 08:00:00 -0700

a grasshopper visits a bar

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A grasshopper goes into a bar and hops up onto a bar stool.

The bartender looks over at the grasshopper and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

"Really?" the grasshopper says. "You have a drink named Steve?"

talking dog for sale

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 08:00:00 -0700

talking dog for sale

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A woman is driving home from work one day and sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." The woman's eight-year-old daughter has been asking for a dog and the woman can't help but think that having a talking dog could be very interesting.

The woman walks up to the house and rings the bell. A man answers the door and tells the woman that the dog is in the backyard.

The woman goes around to the backyard and is greeted by an older-looking - but very friendly - Labrador Retriever.

"Well, hi," the woman says to the dog, patting it on the head. "Is it true you talk?"

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"Wow," the woman says, surprised that the dog can, indeed, talk. "What's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to use my ability to help the government. So I told the CIA that I could talk, and in no time at all they had me going all over the world, sitting in rooms with world leaders and foreign officials, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.

"But the travel really tired me out, I knew I wasn't getting any younger, and I wanted to settle down. So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering around near suspicious people and listening to what they were talking about. I uncovered some pretty big stuff and was awarded a bunch of medals. Then I got married, had puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The woman is astounded. She goes back around the front of the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Twenty-five dollars," he says.

"But this dog is amazing," the woman says. "Why on earth are you selling her so cheap?"

"It's simple," the man says. "Because she's a liar. She didn't do any of that."

the uncooperative theatergoer

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 08:00:00 -0700

the uncooperative theatergoer

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An usher is seating people at a lovely, historic theatre, where a symphony orchestra is performing that evening.

When the usher walks by row 28, he sees a man stretched out over three seats. The usher leans over to him and quietly asks the man to sit up.

The man - lying down across the seats - looks at the usher and says, "Uhhhh."

The usher again asks him to sit up and again the man says, "Uhhhhh."

The usher warns the man that he'll have to get the manager and he could end up being thrown out of the theatre. The man doesn't seem worried by the threat and again replies, "Uhhhh."

Finally, the usher brings the manager over, and after several attempts to get the man to move, the manager decides to call the police.

A few minutes later, a policeman shows up and says, "Look, buddy, they've been asking you nicely to sit up and make room for other people. Why are you being so stubborn?"

The man looks up, saying nothing.

The policeman is fed up and says, "Okay, buddy, that's it. I'm gonna kick you out of here. Now, where are you from, anyway?"

The man says, lifting a finger, "Balcony…"

the worst day

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 08:00:00 -0700

the worst day

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A man in a rumpled suit was sitting at a bar, staring down at his drink. Every once in a while, he'd sigh or slightly shake his head… but mostly he just sat there, staring down at his drink.

A big bully who liked to frequent that particular bar noticed the man sitting there. Deciding that the dejected-looking man was easy prey, the bully walked right over to him, grabbed the man's drink, and belted it down in one gulp.

The man looked down at his empty glass and started crying… sobbing so violently that even the bully felt bad.

"Listen, man, I was just playin' with ya," the bully said. "Here - I'll buy you another drink." The bully gestured to the bartender to bring the crying man another drink.

The man looked up and said, sighing, "This has been the worst day of my life. I overslept this morning and, when I got to work, my boss said that was it… he fired me. When I left the office, I found out my car had been stolen. I got a cab to go home, but I left my wallet in it… and I don't know how to begin to track the cab down to get my money back.

"When I got home, I found my wife in bed with our neighbor. I left the house, came here, and - just when I'd decided to put an end to my life - you show up and drink my poison."

goodbye, mother

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 00:00:00 -0700

goodbye, mother

watch this (and all joke videos) at www.jokeofthedaytv.com

Walking through a supermarket, a young man saw a sad-looking old woman slowly pushing her cart.

He went up and down several aisles and - by the fourth aisle - couldn't help but notice that the woman seemed to be following him. And then, just as he headed into a checkout line, she pushed her cart in front of him.

"Pardon me," the old woman said, "I'm sorry if I've been staring, but you look just like my son who died recently."

"Oh, I'm sorry about your son," the young man replied, realizing now why she looked so sad. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Well, this may sound silly," the woman said apologetically. "But, as I'm leaving, could you just say, 'Goodbye, mother'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," the young man said, nodding sympathetically.

As she gathered her bags and left, he turned to her and called out, "Goodbye, mother!" just as she had requested, feeling good when she looked back at him and smiled.

Turning back toward the clerk, he glanced up at his total on the screen.
"That amount is wrong," he told the clerk. "That's gotta be about a hundred dollars more than what it should be."

"Oh," the clerk said, "Your mother said that you'd pay for her."

compliments at the bar

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Fri, 9 Mar 2007 08:00:00 -0700

Billy’s perfect cupcakes

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Thu, 8 Mar 2007 08:00:00 -0700

Billy's perfect cupcakes

watch this (and all joke videos) at www.jokeofthedaytv.com

A woman was visiting her sister and brother-in-law for dinner and saw that her young nephew, Billy, was helping bake some cupcakes. When the cupcakes were done, Billy - with great concentration - sprean each one.

The woman, impressed by her nephew's focus, praised him enthusiastically. "Good job, Billy! she said, smiling at him.

"Thanks, Aunt Emily," he answered, sounding congested and starting to sniffle.

The woman helped her sister set the table, while Billy finished icing the cupcakes. Very carefully, he set them next to each other on plate in a circular pattern.

"Nice job, Billy!" the woman said, looking down at the plate.

Sniffling and sounding even more congested, he said, "Thanks, Aunt Emily."

After dinner, the woman ate a cupcake, raving to Billy how delicious they tasted. She reached for a second one and, after taking a big bite, looked down at her nephew proudly and asked, "How did you get the icing to look so perfectly?"

Billy shrugged, sniffling some more. "It was easy," he said. "I licked them."

help wanted

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Wed, 7 Mar 2007 08:00:00 -0700

a woman and a baby on a bus

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Tue, 6 Mar 2007 08:41:41 -0700

a stranger asks for help

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Mon, 5 Mar 2007 08:00:00 -0700

baseball in heaven

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Fri, 16 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0700

baseball in heaven

watch this (and all joke videos) at www.jokeofthedaytv.com

Bill and Sal are two old friends who are complete baseball fanatics. They live and breathe baseball, they played it as kids and well into their adulthood, and they attend dozens of games each year.

One day, watching a game, they discuss that they're getting older. Bill says to Sal, "If you die before I do, will you let me know if they play baseball in heaven? I'll do the same for you if I die before you do."

Sal agrees. And, just a week later, Sal dies in his sleep.

Bill comes home from the funeral and - feeling sad and tired - lays down for a nap, drifting in and out of sleep. Suddenly, he hears a familiar voice saying, "Bill! Bill!"

Bill looks around and doesn't see anyone. Tentatively, he says out loud, "Is that you, Sal?"

"Yes, it's me," Sal's voice answers.

"So, tell me, Sal," Bill says. "Do they play baseball in heaven?"

"Well, Bill, I've got good news and bad news," Sal replies. "Which do you want to hear first?"

"The good news first," Bill says.

"The good news is they do play baseball in heaven," Sal says. "The bad news is - tomorrow evening - you're the starting pitcher."

the benefits package

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0700

the piano-playing rat

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Wed, 14 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0700

mix-up at the flower shop

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0700

the farmer and the bug

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Mon, 12 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0700

the dapper gentleman

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Fri, 9 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0700

three wishes, with a catch

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Thu, 8 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0700

Natchitoches, Louisiana

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Wed, 7 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0700

the perfect woman

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Tue, 6 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0700

SUV full of penguins

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Mon, 5 Feb 2007 08:00:00 -0700

the three psychiatrists

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Fri, 8 Dec 2006 08:00:00 -0700

the three psychiatrists

watch this (and all joke videos) at www.jokeofthedaytv.com

Three psychiatrists are attending a convention and, after a long session, decide to take a walk to get some fresh air.

While discussing some of the difficulties of their profession, one says, "Y'know, people are always coming to us with their fears and guilt… but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Well, since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

All three of them agree that it's a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and am deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist nods sympathetically and says, "As for me… I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

the Ferrari and the moped

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Thu, 7 Dec 2006 08:00:00 -0700

the Ferrari and the moped

watch this (and all joke videos) at www.jokeofthedaytv.com

A young businessman who had recently done quite well with some investments decides he wants to show off his new-found wealth. So, after doing research on a number of expensive cars, he buys himself a Ferrari… a car that cost him about 300-thousand dollars.

On the way home, he can see that people are checking out his new car… in fact, at a red light, an elderly gentleman on a moped pulls up next to him and knocks on the passenger-side window.

"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" the older man asks.

"It's a Ferrari," the younger man answers. "It cost about 300-thousand dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," the old man says. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Why does it cost so much??? Because this car can do 200 miles an hour!" the young man replies.

"Mind if I take a look inside?" the old man asks.

"No, go ahead," the young man answers.

The old man pokes his head in the window takes a good look around. "That's a pretty nice car, all right," he says, "But I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, and the young man decides to show just what his car can do. He floors it - and within seconds the speedometer reads over 100 miles an hour.

With a satisfied smirk on his face, the Ferrari driver looks in his rear-view mirror.
Suddenly, he notices something about the size of a dot… then it gets closer and, as he slows down a little to see what it is, it whips by him, going much faster than he is.

"What could be going faster than my Ferrari???" the young man asks himself. Angry now, he accelerates and takes the Ferrari to about 150 miles an hour. Up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.

Astounded that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas - getting the car up to almost 200 miles an hour - and passes the moped. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again!

Shocked by how fast the moped's going, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari up over 200 miles an hour.

Not 10 seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again. But, suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, amazed to see that the old man is still alive! He reaches out to him and says, "Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers softly, "Unhook… my… suspenders… from… your… side-view… mirror."

the friars’ florist shop

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Wed, 6 Dec 2006 08:00:00 -0700

the friars' florist shop

watch this (and all joke videos) at www.jokeofthedaytv.com

Some friars were behind on paying bills for their church, so they opened up a small florist shop to make some money.

Since a lot of people felt kind of an obligation to buy flowers from the friars - to help them out - the town florist lost business and, quite frankly, thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they wouldn't. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.

So, finally, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their shop for good. Terrified, they did close… thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

comforting words for Ellen

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Tue, 5 Dec 2006 08:00:00 -0700

comforting words for Ellen

watch this (and all joke videos) at www.jokeofthedaytv.com

A man was in the grocery store one day and noticed a young woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As the mother and daughter passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother said no. The little girl immediately started to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through… don't be upset. It won't be long."

The man passed the mother and daughter again in the candy aisle. This time, the little girl was shouting for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she started to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man happened to be behind the two of them at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to yell for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through the checkout in a few minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen,” he said to the mother.

The mother said, "Oh, my little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.""

getting rid of the cat

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Mon, 4 Dec 2006 08:00:00 -0700

getting rid of the cat

watch this (and all joke videos) at www.jokeofthedaytv.com

A man who had recently gotten married for the second time couldn't have been happier… he loved his new wife, loved the home they'd just moved into, and everything was going really well.

Except for one thing. The man had never liked cats and his wife had a cat he hated - absolutely despised.

Afraid that his hatred was going to affect their marriage, the man decided to get rid of the cat by driving him about several blocks from their home and leaving him at a park. The man dropped off the cat and drove back home… only to find the cat walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drop off the cat further away. He drove a few miles, left the cat on the side of the road, ran a quick errand, and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat again!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive for a good hour, pulling out of their subdivision, turning right, then left and up onto the highway, off the highway onto a country road, over a wooden bridge, then took about five or six more turns until he reached what he thought was a good distance from his home… and left the cat there.

Much later, when it was long past dark, the man called home to his wife. "Uh, Jen," he said, "Is the cat there?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "Why do you ask?"

The man said with a sigh, "Put the cat on the phone… I'm lost and need directions."

the bowl of peanuts

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Fri, 1 Dec 2006 08:00:00 -0700

the bowl of peanuts

watch this (and all joke videos) at www.jokeofthedaytv.com

A young man went to visit his grandmother in the nursing home. When he got there, she was napping, so he sat down in a chair near her bed, and started flipping through a magazine. About a half-hour passed and he realized he was hungry. He decided not to leave the room to find a vending machine, since he thought it would be nice to be there when his grandmother woke up.

Looking around, he saw a bowl of peanuts sitting on the nightstand and very quietly reached over to get the bowl.

Going back to the magazine, he started munching on the peanuts, and absentmindedly finished the whole bowl.

A few minutes later, his grandmother woke up and after greeting her and asking how she was feeling, he pointed to the bowl and said, sheepishly, "I'm so sorry, Grandma, but I've eaten all of your peanuts."

"Ohhh, that's all right, dearie," his grandmother said. "I don't much care for them after I've sucked all the chocolate off."

three types of ice cream

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Thu, 30 Nov 2006 08:00:00 -0700

three types of ice cream

watch this (and all joke videos) at www.jokeofthedaytv.com

A woman from a big city was on a business trip, driving to see a client in another city three hours away. While passing through a small town, the woman noticed a cute little ice cream shop and decided to stop.

When she entered the shop, she asked the young girl behind the counter, "What kind of ice cream do you have?"

"Vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry," the girl wheezed, patting her chest, unable to get her voice above a whisper.

"Do you have laryngitis?" the woman asked sympathetically.

"No," the girl whispered, "Just vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry."

the businessman and the Bible

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Wed, 29 Nov 2006 08:00:00 -0700

the businessman and the bible

watch this (and all joke videos) at www.jokeofthedaytv.com

A businessman who had been very successful for many years was in trouble. All of a sudden, he started losing customers… his business was failing… and he owed dozens of creditors. Because he'd put everything he had into the business, he was terrified and didn't know what to do. As a last resort, he went to a priest and poured out his story, pleading for the priest to help him.

When he finished talking, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible… the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer… that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was smiling, wearing a new, expensive suit, and his wife was wearing a mink coat. The businessman pulled a big wad of money out of his pocket, and gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the man from their conversation a year before, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" the priest asked.

"Absolutely," the businessman answered.

"You went to the beach?" the priest asked.

"Absolutely," the businessman replied.

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

The businessman looked at the priest and said, "Chapter 11."

the Russian and the Czech

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Tue, 28 Nov 2006 08:00:00 -0700

the Russian and the Czech

watch this (and all joke videos) at www.jokeofthedaytv.com

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying grizzly bears. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone National Park to study the bears.

Finally, their requests were granted, and they immediately flew to Yellowstone. When they reported to the ranger station, they were told that it was the mating season for grizzly bears and it was too dangerous to study the animals.

They pleaded with the ranger, telling him that this was their only chance… and, finally, the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in every single day.

For several days the scientists called in, and then nothing was heard from them. The rangers formed a search party and, when they got to the scientists' camp, they found it had been completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men.

The search party followed the trails of a male and a female bear, finally catching up with the female. Since the rangers were concerned that the scientists' death could cause an international incident, they decided they had to kill the animal to find out if she'd eaten the scientist.

They killed the female bear and opened her stomach to find the remains of the Russian scientist. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?" The other ranger nodded and said, "Yeah… I guess it means the Czech is in the male."

the eagle and the stud

submit@jokeofthedaytv.com — Sun, 26 Nov 2006 14:33:33 -0700

the eagle and the stud

watch this (and all joke videos) at www.jokeofthedaytv.com

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions are not ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you would like to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, pausing a moment to think. "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"That can be done," St. Peter said, and - poof! - the first guy disappeared. "And what is it you would like to be?" St. Peter asked the other one.

He tucked his thumbs in his jeans pockets and said, "I'd like to be one cool stud!"

"Allright," St. Peter replied, and - poof! - the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to bring them back to heaven. "It should be fairly easy to find them," St. Peter told the angel. "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit."